Somewhere in most of my coaching sessions, we get to the friendship list. Not every time. But often enough that I now bring it up directly.
Make a list of the 20 people you interact with most. Next to each name, write one word. Adds or drains. Not good or bad. Just the energy exchange.
How to actually do it
Write the 20 names first, before you write a single word next to any of them. If you do it name by name you will start managing the answers.
Use who you actually interact with, not who you would list if somebody asked who your people are. Include the colleague, the school gate, the group chat, the family member you speak to out of duty. 20 is more than you think and it fills up fast.
Then go down the list quickly. Adds or drains. First word, no editing.
Speed is the method. The slow version is you deciding what the right answer is. The fast version is you reporting what you already know.
And do it on paper. Something about a screen invites tidying.
Why the answers surprise people
What most women discover: the list is not what they expected. The person they thought was their closest friend is consistently draining. The colleague they thought was difficult is surprisingly energising.
The reason is that we hold friendship as a category rather than an experience. Oldest friend, best friend, godmother to the children. Those are facts about history, and history is not the same thing as what happens to you after an hour in somebody's company.
A long friendship can be draining and still be worth keeping. A new one can be the most energising thing in your week and feel like it does not count yet.
The other reason is that draining and difficult are not the same. Some people are hard work and leave you more yourself. Some people are perfectly pleasant and you come home flattened. The list separates those 2 for the first time.
What adds and drains actually feel like
The clearest test is the hour afterwards, not the hour itself.
After somebody who adds, you want to do something. Cook, ring somebody else, start the thing. You have ideas.
After somebody who drains, you want your phone and a biscuit and no further conversation of any kind. You are not sad. You are flat.
There is also a tell before you see them. Look at how you feel when their name appears on your screen. That small drop, or that small lift, has already answered the question.
And notice who you edit yourself for. Being slightly less like yourself for 2 hours is tiring in a way that is almost impossible to see from inside.
What people try first, and why it does not hold
The first thing most people do with this list is plan a cull. 3 names identified, 3 relationships ended, a clean life by Friday.
That almost never happens, and when it does it usually costs more than it saved. Cutting somebody off is a large action and most of what the list is showing you needs a small one.
The second thing people try is a conversation. Sitting somebody down to tell them they are draining. I would not. It is a judgement about your own energy delivered as a verdict on their character, and it tends to end a friendship you did not actually want to end.
What works better is adjusting the dose. Same person, 1 hour instead of 4. A walk instead of dinner. Daytime instead of evening. Their house instead of yours, so you can leave.
Most draining relationships are not the wrong relationship. They are the right relationship at the wrong length.
The part that actually matters
This doesn't mean you cut everyone who drains you. Some relationships you maintain by choice, by love, by circumstance. But you maintain them as a choice, not a default. That distinction changes everything.
A default costs you something you never agreed to spend. A choice costs the same amount and you brought your purse.
And the choice is usually straightforward once it is conscious. Yes, that hour is hard, and she has nobody else, and I am going to do it anyway, on a Sunday, for 1 hour, and I will not arrange anything afterwards.
That sentence is the whole exercise. Nothing has been cut. Everything has changed.
What to notice
Notice the name you did not want to write down. That is where the information is.
Notice who is not on the list at all. 20 names is a small number and the people who used to be in it have gone somewhere.
Notice whether anybody would put you in their adds column, and resist the urge to answer that quickly. It is not a reason to feel bad. It is a reason to ring 1 of them this week.
Notice what you do with the list afterwards. If you fold it up and never look at it again, that is also an answer, and it is usually a sign you already knew and were hoping to be wrong.
Write your list this week. If what it shows you is uncomfortable, that is usually the point, and it is the sort of thing we work through in a one to one on a Tuesday morning.
More like this
The relationship audit, the most important list you'll ever make. https://www.annalouwellness.com/love-and-relationships/the-relationship-audit-the-most-important-list-you-ll-ever-make
The emotional declutter, the conversations you've been avoiding and what they're costing you. https://www.annalouwellness.com/love-and-relationships/the-emotional-declutter-the-conversations-you-ve-been-avoiding-and-what-they-re-
The physical space audit, why your home is telling you things your mind won't. https://www.annalouwellness.com/love-and-relationships/the-physical-space-audit-why-your-home-is-telling-you-things-your-mind-won-t
Email me at anna@annalouoflondon.com and we will find a time, or message me on WhatsApp at https://wa.me/447738470156.