There's a version of advice about dating after divorce or a difficult relationship that says: get back out there. That advice, well meaning as it is, misses something crucial.
Before you date, your nervous system needs to know it's safe to be open again. Not intellectually. You can tell yourself that perfectly well. At the body level.
Can you be curious about someone without immediately anticipating the ending? Can you enjoy a first date without your nervous system scanning for signs of what went wrong last time? Can you receive kindness without waiting for the catch?
If the answer to those questions is not yet, that's not a problem. It's information. It's your body telling you what it needs before it's ready to open again.
Genuinely ready looks completely different from ready enough.
What ready enough actually looks like
Ready enough is a decision made in the head, usually on a Sunday, usually after somebody has said it has been long enough now.
It downloads the app. It writes the profile. It is brisk and capable about the whole business and it books the coffee for Thursday.
And then Thursday arrives and the body, which was not consulted, has a view.
What that looks like in practice
You are 20 minutes into a perfectly nice conversation and you have already worked out how it ends.
Or he is kind about something small and you feel a tightening rather than a softening, because kindness used to be the bit that came before.
Or you get home and you are exhausted out of all proportion to 2 drinks and a chat. That is not boredom. That is the cost of having been on duty for 2 hours.
Or the reverse, which is quicker and harder to spot: you like him enormously by Tuesday and you cannot entirely say why, and the speed of it is the signal rather than the romance.
Why it works this way
Your body kept a record. Not of what was said, but of what came before things went wrong. Tone of voice, a particular pause, the feel of a room going quiet.
That record does not know the difference between then and a man in a wine bar in Richmond who happens to pause the same way.
It is not being irrational. It is being fast. It learned something that mattered and it is applying it, and it will go on applying it until it has reason not to.
What people try first
Most people try to date their way through it. The theory is that enough exposure will sand the edges off.
Sometimes that works. More often it confirms the thing, because every date spent on duty is another evening of evidence that this is tiring and unsafe.
The other common attempt is waiting to feel ready. That date does not arrive either, because readiness is not a feeling that turns up. It is a set of capacities that get built.
What to do instead
Build the capacity somewhere cheaper than a date.
Practise receiving. Let a friend pay for the coffee without immediately levelling the score. Let a compliment land and say thank you rather than deflecting it. Notice how hard that is, because that is the actual measurement.
Practise staying. Next time something small goes wrong, a cancelled plan, a slow reply, notice the story your body starts writing within about 4 seconds, and let it be a story rather than the news.
Practise leaving. Decline 1 thing this month that you would normally endure. Dating safely requires being able to go, and if going is not available to you, staying is not really a choice you made.
What to notice on an actual date
Your shoulders, about 40 minutes in. They will tell you before you know.
Whether you are funny. Most people lose their humour before they lose anything else, and getting it back mid evening is a good sign.
And afterwards, on the way home, whether you are reviewing your own performance or thinking about him. The first one means you were working. The second one means you were there.
None of this is a test you pass before you are allowed to want somebody. It is just worth knowing which of the 2 you are doing, because one of them is a date and the other one is a shift.
On the gap between wanting and being able
Both things are usually true at once. You want company and your body is not yet set up to receive it, and those 2 facts sit in the same person without contradiction.
The mistake is treating that as a reason to wait, or as a reason to push. It is neither. It is a description of where the work is.
And it moves faster than people expect, because the body is not trying to keep you alone. It is trying to keep you safe, and it updates when it is given reason to.
What gives it reason is not a speech. It is a hundred small experiences of something going well enough and nothing bad happening afterwards.
Which is why the practice above is not a delay before the real thing. It is the real thing, happening in cheaper rooms.
More like this
Why is dating in your 40s so hard when you finally know what you want? https://www.annalouwellness.com/love-and-relationships/dating-in-your-40s-inner-work
The attachment pattern that was running my relationships, without my knowledge. https://www.annalouwellness.com/love-and-relationships/the-attachment-pattern-that-was-running-my-relationships-without-my-knowledge
What narcissistic abuse actually does to your inner guidance system. https://www.annalouwellness.com/love-and-relationships/what-narcissistic-abuse-actually-does-to-your-inner-guidance-system
If you want to talk about any of this, I am at anna@annalouoflondon.com, or on WhatsApp at https://wa.me/447738470156.